Page 25 - March22T

Where’s the Beef!
If you look upon ham and eggs with lust, you have already committed breakfast in your heart. – C.S. Lewis
Remember the Big Mac jingle, circa 1974: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun? Well, I prefer breakfast – almost with lust. But when ordering at the fast-food chain that has sold billions and billions, why can’t I order my breakfast with the same unambiguous brevity and clarity in which we talk on the airplane radio? “A number one meal please; one sugar, one cream and an extra hashbrown.”
You see, the number one meal (by definition) is the sandwich, one hashbrown, and a regular size coffee. I figure when I order the “meal,” add the condiments for the coffee and modify the meal with an extra hashbrown – that’s pretty specific, unambiguous and should end the volley. A perfect return of the ball would be, “Thank you, that’s $7.28, please.” But no. They have to ask, “What size coffee do you want? How many creams? Did you say sugar?” Then, of course, once delivered, the extra hashbrown is not in the bag. When they see me staring into the bag, they ask, “Is everything okay?” My answer: Negative.
What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness
No conversation, however, more accurately exemplifies the disparity in conversational comfort level between pilots and non-pilots than the following. While between flights, a flight attendant and I were attempting to make small talk:
Me – Where do you live?
Her – I’m from New York, but my parents moved me back and forth from Phoenix.
Me – OK, but where do you live now?
Her – I said New York.
Me – No, you didn’t. You said you were from New York, not that you lived there.
Her – I lived in Phoenix.
Me – Nice. I lived in Glendale, out by Luke Air Force Base. Her – Oh, I lived in Chandler by Williams Air Force Base. Me – You said you lived in Phoenix.
Her – Same thing, you don’t listen very well, do you?
Me – I was thinking the exact same thing about you.
She was certain that she was making sense, and so was I.
Be Careful What You Say
A few years ago, I had a lady on my f light assigned to escort some property. It was loaded in the aft cargo compartment of my S-80, the one just below the right engine. She was in Coach, just to the left of that same engine, above the cargo compartment. Why she needed to be so near, yet so far, from the cargo was a conundrum. It wasn’t as if she could get out and rescue the cargo should the need arise. It wasn’t actually her property anyway, or even the property of her employer. It was U.S. government property. Her company
had been hired to transport it with all due diligence, security, and scowling, Walter-like seriousness.
The look on her face was priceless when I, not seriously enough, asked if there were any special considerations for the cargo should I land somewhere unscheduled (divert). I asked jokingly, but I actually wanted to know because the weather was not that good. Apparently, the jovial tone of my interrogative statement was not appreciated. I had the opportunity to carry this type of cargo in the past, and next to transporting a dignitary or ex-president, the cargo gets serious attention, and landing at the “wrong” airport can be problematic. This time the cargo was $96 million U.S. dollars. My 31-year record for this type of cargo was just under one-half billion.
Rookies from Pros
Even when we deal with other professionals, most are not comfortable with the extreme accuracy and brevity in communication used by aviators. On the other hand, some pilots also slip up and use incorrect terminology and colloquial slang. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a pro in the flight levels answer ATC’s request for a ride report by telling them that they were IFR but smooth. Oh, really? How could you get above 18,000 without being IFR? Can you say IMC? I knew you could. And in answering the ATC request to say your airspeed, the response was “point seven-six.” No grasshopper, airspeed is three digits with no decimal point and it begins with one through six. Details like this distinguish rookies from pros.
Preferred
March 2022 / TWIN & TURBINE • 23