Page 50 - Volume 15 Number 3

ON FINAL by David MillerHands Across the AisleHave you noticed how some passengers handle rough weather better than others? Kids for instance, seem oblivious. Growing up, my son and daughter looked forward to the bumps and often encouraged me to fly through the building cumulus. They said the ride was better than Six Flags. A lot of times even the dog agreed. Adults were not so excited.Preparing our friends for their first small plane ride usually consisted of an initial visit to the hangar for a look-see. We powered up the ship with a portable cart, chilled a bottle of wine, put on some soothing music and relaxed in the cabin. My goal with this ritual was to provide a passenger briefing without causing panic.The most common question from men? “What kind of wine is that?” And from women, “Where is the bathroom?” After pointing out the “facilities” I could always expect a “you’re kidding” comment. I always told them the makeshift potty was absolutely worthless until you needed it. And then it was priceless.The Garmin G1000 system provides ample opportunities to scare the hell out of passengers with all sorts of TRAFFIC-TRAFFIC, TERRAIN-TERRAIN, and PULL UP-PULL UP warnings blaring over the cabin speaker. Thus, departing from a mountainous airport with another airplane in the pattern, you can hear all three warnings simultaneously and are guaranteed the total attention of each and every passenger.This exact scenario has happened to me more than once. Now I just say, “It’s OK, there is an airplane near us and a mountain, too. If I don’t do something quickly we’re screwed.”Within seconds, it gets real quiet and I know I have the moral support of everyone onboard. It is only after this emotional disaster that I remember I should have briefed them during the wine tasting.For me, the ultimate freaked passenger story occurred on a Braniff flight from Mexico City to DFW many years ago. It was a dark and stormy late afternoon. Lightning everywhere. Approaching Dallas the 727 pitched and rolled with every explosion of thunder. We were in the middle of a thunderstorm. From my aisle coach seat, my only thought was, “This IS better than Six Flags.” Fortunately,With 5,000-plus hours in his logbook, David Miller has been flying for business and pleasure for more than 40 years. Having owned and flown a variety aircraft types, from turboprops to midsize jets, Miller, along with his wife Patty, now own and fly a Citation Mustang. You can contact David at davidmiller1@sbcglobal.net.I knew why the violent motions were happening. But the guy directly across the aisle didn’t.I became aware that he was freaked when I noticed sheets of sweat streaming off his forehead. He had a death grip on the armrests. Then he started to moan. Within seconds, he reached for the sick sack in the seat pocket, opened it, and placed it completely over his head all the while chanting in some language I had not heard before.Now, there are a few things that heterosexual guys just normally don’t do. Commenting on our relative anatomy at a urinal is one. Holding hands in public is another. I convinced myself however, that this was a special case. I reached across the aisle.Hyperventilating and whimpering, with tears cascading from inside the bag, he grabbed my hand and held on for dear life. I told him I was a pilot, that we were not going to die, and that I had taken a college course in meteorology. I am not sure why I mentioned the college thing but it all seemed to help.Slowly, ever so slowly, he began to calm down. We flew through the cell and were spat out the other end upright and alive. He held my hand all the way to the gate.As we taxied in, not a word was spoken until we came to a complete stop, and he asked me if I was free for dinner.Fly safe.48 • ­TWIN & TURBINE MARCH 2011