From “The Best of On Final” April 2009
The decade of the 80s was a wonderful time. My car wax manufacturing business was growing. Almost fast enough to keep pace with my desire to fly faster airplanes. First, a Baron, then a Duke, followed by a B100 King Air. But I really wanted to fly a jet. Almost any jet would do. Just one that made a lot of noise and flew fast. My only problem was money. I didn’t have much. Couldn’t afford anything new or even slightly used. But I wanted a jet. And then we found the Sabreliner Model 40. A relic of the 60s, this one was built in 1964. The previous owner had spent profusely refurbishing the interior and the paint was immaculate. It even had decent avionics by the standards of the day.
But I had to act quickly. The salesman said it wouldn’t be around long, and my wife Patty hesitated just long enough for me to act. There is no more exciting time than starting the engines on your very first jet…..until you see the fuel flow.
The engines on the Model 40 were of 1950s vintage, JT8 turbo-jets, to be exact. They had two rates of fuel flow…..OFF and “You’ve got to be kidding.” Total fuel capacity was 7,122 lbs, which at takeoff power was enough for one hour. If we taxied on one engine and climbed straight to FL 410-450, we could get 2+45 out of it, but we could count on sucking 300 gallons an hour! When and where we stopped enroute was based solely on where we could find the cheapest fuel.
At this point, you might reasonably ask, “What does the price of fuel have to do with lipstick?”
My wife is naturally beautiful. She reads many of my aviation magazines. Did I mention she is beautiful? Her natural beauty is “enhanced” by the use of makeup. I don’t know about you, but around our house, we have a lot of makeup. Drawers and drawers of it…everywhere. And not just drugstore brands. From a recent inventory, it appears that we have about 1,628 vials, tubes, and jars of mostly half-full beauty aids.
On December 26, 1985, we planned a trip to our favorite skiing destination, Gunnison, Colorado. One of my jobs was to load the bags onto the airplane, for which I was thoroughly trained and experienced. We departed Addison airport early that morning, roaring down the runway and burning fuel like there was no tomorrow.
About 20 minutes after takeoff, somewhere over Wichita Falls, Patty came into the cockpit, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Where is my makeup?” Instantly flashing before my eyes was a mental picture of the exact location of that makeup bag. It was not a pretty picture.
Mustering all the courage I could, I said very commandingly, “It’s in the trunk of my car.”
We were now at the turning point of this flight and perhaps our marriage. We were like two male dogs sniffing at each other to see who is going to blink. “Turn this airplane around right now!” Patty screamed. “You’ve got to be kidding,” I retorted, “it’s just makeup.”
Mistake number one.
I did a quick mental calculation as we flew the Standard Instrument Departure out of Dallas. Probably 200 gallons of fuel to Addison and back at $1.80 per gallon (remember, we are talking 1985 dollars). That’s 360 dollars, and you can buy a hell of a lot of makeup for 360 dollars.
Mistake number two.
Just short of a mutiny in the cockpit, my decision prevailed, and we continued to GUC. Upon landing, we drove straight to Walmart (the Neiman Marcus of Gunnison) and purchased about 100 dollars worth of makeup. No problem, I was still 260 dollars ahead. But alas, this makeup won’t do. It’s not the “right color.” Patty wanted her left-behind cosmetics, and she “absolutely positively had to have it overnight.” I was “instructed” to have someone retrieve the bag from my car and ship it FedEx to Gunnison. For another 175 dollars, I was able to persuade one of my employees to stop laughing and drive the precious package to FedEx.
It’s OK; I am still a genius and 85 dollars ahead.
The next morning, we bundled up and drove off to ski in the bitter cold that only Gunnison can produce. The high for the day was -20 C. After a wonderful day of fun, we returned home and low and behold, FedEx had performed flawlessly. There, at the front door of the house, was Patty’s makeup!
It was like Christmas morning again! Excitedly, she opened her special package, and YES, it was exactly what she wanted…… And yes, it was FROZEN SOLID! …..Like 20 little popsicles.
And for those of you who may not know…..FROZEN makeup is WORTHLESS!
Upon our return to Dallas, we purchased all new makeup, the cost of which is not important. Of course, the moral of this story is to make sure the jet you buy has fuel-efficient engines!
Fly safe.
