Above: The author’s retirement water cannon salute in ORD.
They say one indicator of declining mental health is you spend less time on your appearance. Take shaving, for example. But hippies avoid shaving because hair is thought to be tentacles of free-thinking. And, according to the television rendition, sages who sit atop the mountains let their beard and hair grow without cutting them short because they believe that cutting the hair means cutting the growth of one’s free-spiritedness and free-thinking. Certainly, the mental health of hippies or at least the sages is beyond reproach. My hippie days are long gone (stand by for next month’s hippie story). I’m certainly no sage and my mental health is great; I just don’t like to shave – especially while camping.
Officially Old
While family and friends convinced me to continue with showers (including soap), I haven’t shaved in weeks. And now, my access to commercial airport secure areas, sensitive security information, the cockpit of an airliner, crew member priority lines, employee websites, and the admiration of men, women, children and supermodels have all been stripped from me. I don’t think it’s because I stopped shaving. After 31 years as an airline pilot, I’m now officially old in the eyes of the FAA. So, at 1214 CDST on July 20, 2021, as I taxied under a two firetruck water cannon salute to gate H-6 in ORD, I logged my last minute as a Part 121 Captain for American Airlines. Yippie?
As retirement neared over the last couple of years, many friends and coworkers described the psychological significance of transitioning from airline captain to Walmart greeter. They all said keep busy, have a hobby, find something to fly and be ready to apply salve to your ego because of that men, women, children and supermodel thing from above. After 10 years of flying the F-16, post-fighter pilot withdrawal and fighter pilot dreams persisted for multiple years. I expect the same after having flown airliners for 30 years. Already, for the first five seconds of every day, I don’t know where I am: a layover hotel, commuter hotel, at home or in a tent camping. I have dreams of lost luggage or my kit bag, missing uniform parts, being late for the crew van, trying to fly an airliner I’ve never flown, and negotiating apocalyptic weather. In anticipation of these issues, months ago I scheduled an application of ego-salve. What was the salve after the last minutes of B-737 time and being stripped of my superhero status and the first thing I did? No, not Disneyland, much better – Oshkosh.
Last year’s 2020 EAA convention was canceled due to COVID, so this year was anticipated with a longing not seen in decades, especially after the success of the 2021 Sun ‘n Fun fly-in. Even though there was no concert scheduled and social distancing measures were in place, EAA President Jack Pelton reported that Oshkosh aircraft arrivals as of Sunday at 5 p.m. (the day before the convention began) were already over double that of 2019 at 7,928. And since, according to the Rolling Stones, time is on my side, for the first time since 1972, I spent a full eight days camping at this year’s EAA’s convention (now called AirVenture). It was just what this hippie, the sages and doctor ordered and everything I expected. My roots are in GA, and the casual pace of staying for the entire convention was therapeutic. The shower thing was often cooler and a bit more public than I prefer but, as I said, family and friends insisted that I should shower. They said nothing of shaving though, so I’m not. One of the benefits of the OSH-soul-salve was a reminder of how much I love GA.
Part 121 Travel
Twelve years ago, AMR (now AAL) said not to publish anything that would insinuate that my writing represented their opinions, customers, vendors, advertisers, etc. – even though it didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that I flew for AA. And not to bite the hand that feeds my retirement pension, but there is nothing like Oshkosh to remind us of how much freedom and convenience we are afforded through GA as opposed to the airlines. To highlight the difference, I offer this dramatization: Take a golfing and dinner trip, of reasonable distance, from one small town to another. Let’s say from our home in Pierre, South Dakota, to Mt. Pleasant, Michigan, where we will play the PohlCat golf course and stay at the Soaring Eagle Casino (I’m not being compensated – I just like that golf course). It’s a 690 nm trip and neither airport is served by scheduled air service. Leave early Friday morning (for our 11:56 T-time and 6 p.m. dinner reservation) and come back Sunday evening. To emphasize the contrast in convenience, you can’t use your airplane to get to the mid-sized regional airport to begin this airline adventure.
The Tedious Part
Go online and surf the jungle of travel and airline websites to find what you believe to be the best value for this trip. You will discover later, at the unattended kiosk near the ticket counter, that you forgot to pay for your SO’s (significant others) carry-on. The checked bag you did pay for is overweight by 12 pounds, so you pay $50 more and your golf clubs are an automatic $100 each. You also can’t sit next to your SO because of a glitch in the airline’s reservation system. Print your boarding passes (to save $10 each at the ticket counter) and hit the road – literally.
The Glamorous Part
Drive your car an hour or three to a regional airport with air service to the Big City Airport that you need to get to your connection in the next Big City Airport. Park your car a couple of miles from the terminal and pay the equivalent of your annual electronic chart subscription to park for three days. Next, head into the terminal for the glamorous part. I hope you wore clean socks, took off your belt and shoes, emptied your pockets, that you know the 3-1-1 rule about liquids and gels, and that you left every bit of your hunting gear at home in a different bag.
The Angry Part
After your flights from Regional Airport number one to Big City Airport number one to Regional Airport number two, go to baggage claim and fill out the forms needed to recover your lost $2,500 golf clubs and your SO’s checked bag that contained dinner clothes. Next, it’s on to the rental car place, the one-way way out there. You begin the drive to the hotel with a bag of McDonald’s on your lap because you haven’t eaten all day. You shoot 105 with rental clubs and both have to send your clothes to the dry cleaner to remove the McDonald’s buffalo sauce.
On Sunday morning, you repeat the process going the other direction – this time without your clubs and without your SO. The clubs are still lost and your SO chartered a King Air flown by two GA pilots. They offer gourmet sandwiches, strawberry shortcake and an extra dirty vodka martini (or three), all served in glassware etched with the King Air’s tail number. The plane has a spotless potty that only your SO can use, plenty of legroom, and they get home six hours before you. Your SO is happy. Your clubs are delivered to your home four days later minus your Cleveland lob wedge, Callaway Epic driver and a box of embossed ProV1’s. You are not happy.
Riffraff
noun
People regarded as disreputable,
bad-mannered or disorderly.
The freedom to aviate in our own aircraft across states and even continents on our schedule is a valuable privilege and not something guaranteed in other parts of the world. Our hypothetical trip would take 3.5 hours in the Duke. Adding a fuel/potty stop to keep the reserve fuel higher and the bladder level lower would add an hour. Even so, we would arrive in half the time of our airline adventure and it would be fun. We could also bring along all the gels, liquids and hunting gear we want. And we would not be exposed to the riffraff now flying commercially.
I think you’d agree that enforcement of existing rules, regulations, policies and laws would solve many of today’s issues, especially around larger cities, roads and commercial aircraft. The national news is peppered with reports of passenger misconduct, even violence. Assaults on crewmembers and fellow passengers, civil disobedience and dangerous conduct such as opening aircraft exits, assaulting the cockpit door, and throwing of objects and bodily fluids have become daily events. We have the aviation alphabet groups to thank for defending our aviation freedoms, especially AOPA, NBAA and EAA. Despite a couple of 90-degree days and a few T-storms with a tornado warning, I certainly appreciated the OSH GA soul-salve. Time is one of our most precious commodities and GA spends it wisely. By flying yourself, you can avoid the riffraff, maintain your mental health, and stay closer to both your SO and golf clubs. And for me, no need to shave.